Pillow Talk: How Does Your Partner Affect Your Sleep?

You may have heard people refer to the cold months of the year as “cuffing season” – a time for single people to seek short-term relationships to stay warm at night. That means lots of new couples will be learning their partner’s sleeping habits over the next few months, which can lead to some frustration. After all, the average couple sleeps in the same bed for 6 out of 7 nights every week, so naturally you want to make sure you’re on the same page.

The nighttime is a chance for you and your partner to form a stronger connection or get intimate, but it can be stressful to find a routine that works for the both of you. This winter, we’ve surveyed 2000 British people in relationships to reveal their biggest worries about sleeping in the same bed as their partner. We then asked an expert for her insight on the biggest struggles we found, so that Brits can learn to sleep more peacefully with their significant others!

The average couple takes two weeks to start sleeping in the same bed

Each person in a relationship has their own boundaries to respect, so broaching the question of sleeping in the same bed can be an intimidating task for a lot of us.

However, when asked how long it takes couples to start going to bed together, almost half (48%) of Brits said they wait less than a month. The most common time to start sleeping together was two weeks, while 13% of those surveyed said they wait more than a year!

We asked our respondents what their biggest worry about sleeping next to a new partner was; the joint top answers were the fear of doing something embarrassing and self-consciousness about looks or body, with almost one in five people listing each as their reasoning. The next highest answer – fear around handling intimacy – affected 18% of people.

More than one in ten couples sleep in separate beds

While two thirds of Brits sleep with their partner every night, 11% of couples said that they never share a bed. While the average UK couple spends 6 nights a week together, there’s a range of night-time habits that can affect the chances of co-sleeping.

By far, the biggest complaint Brits had about their partner’s sleeping was snoring. Nearly half of respondents reported that it was their partner’s most annoying habit. Other quirks that partners took issue with included hogging the bed, early alarms, and using social media in the night.

More than half of couples don’t engage in pillow talk regularly

Pillow talk is an often overlooked way to grow closer with your significant other, with 44% of respondents saying it makes them feel more intimate with their lover. It can also be a great way to de-stress and share anything on your mind before you sleep.

45% of Brits say they chat with their partners before sleeping on a regular basis, but 55% don’t engage in it frequently. In fact, more than a quarter of Brits never take part in pillow talk at all.

The most common barrier to pillow talk that our respondents listed was stress or fatigue, with 40% of Brits feeling too tired or anxious to share their feelings before bed. Busy schedules and distractions from tech also got in the way of communication.

For those who do engage in pillow talk though, more than half of couples discuss how their day went, making it the most common topic of conversation. Future plans, personal feelings, and gossip were other common points of discussion, with more than 30% of respondents discussing each of them.

4 tips for planning a better sleep routine with your partner

With so many different habits and clashing personal preferences, it can be hard to find a middle ground for couples looking to share a bed. That’s why we asked Eimear Draper, a professional dating coach and founder of Kindling Dating, for her tips on making a co-sleeping plan for couples. Here’s what she recommends for the best night’s sleep:

1. Set boundaries around technology

“Consider that the bedroom is for sleeping and intimacy... Not social media or life admin. Make this an agreement between you both. Go so far as to set a time limit, no social media for an hour before bed. 

If one partner is not on board with this then discuss why not in an open manner, so the aim is to get to a solution that works for everyone, not an argument. What need is technology fulfilling for the person resistant to banning tech from the bedroom? Can that need be filled in another way? Could they have a designated time for social media usage before bedtime? 

Perhaps one person has a longer skincare routine or likes to read a book, and they go to bed earlier. The other has that time for device usage on the understanding that it is only for a certain amount of time. “

2. Communicate openly

“Start with open communication; share what the issue is without any blaming and work together to come up with a solution. When it comes to snoring and bed hogging, we tend to use humour when we raise these as issues, but making light of it doesn't really share the impact. 

Instead, talk about how the action is impacting you (in a non-emotive way). Rather than saying ‘you do X, Y, Z’, phrase it as ‘when you do this it impacts my sleep’. Remember that the person is doing these things when sleeping, so there isn't intentional malice. Approach it as a team to come up with a solution – after all, both parties need to buy into the solution.”

You can also read our guide to why having your own side of the bed is better for your relationship.

3. Strengthen your connection with a relaxing bedtime routine

“Get into a good bedtime routine; perhaps go to bed earlier, introduce a skincare routine for both of you, meditate together, or tune into all the senses to signal that this is rest time. Or rather than reading separately, perhaps take turns reading to each other. 

If busy schedules mean you’re not both home every night, then ensure you hold at least one or two nights a week as your night. Neither of you should book things in on those evenings, so you can work on the bedtime routine.”

4. End the day with gratitude

“A nice habit to get into is to ask your partner for the three highlights of their day as you go to bed. This keeps the conversation positive and is a form of gratitude practice, which can have positive impact on your mindset. 

Pillow talk helps with intimacy, as it offers a moment to connect without barriers in the way. There is a levelling to being in bed together, with no table between you, no distractions, and a closeness where you can talk openly, which creates emotional intimacy.”